Trigger Warning
On Saturday night, my thoughts got strange.
My Funder has asked me to write down what was going on in my head over the weekend so she can better understand and use it to get me an urgent appointment with my new Consultant. So, I did. . .
The last thing I remember was cuddling up to Dolly, and then there was blood dripping down my leg. The night before I'd picked up a shard of glass from the car park behind my home, and I used it... I called the organisation providing my 'floating support' in the community and was advised to call an ambulance. No way. I called my Mum and she talked to me whilst I stopped hysterically crying and packed a bag to stay at hers for the night. Once I got through the front door, I sunk to the floor in tears; it was one of those moments when just breathing is hard work and tiring. All the old thoughts were there; I wanted to cut away every piece of me that had been touched by the bastard, and I wanted to die. I imagined my Mum being told and her being sad but ultimately, realising that at least I'd find happiness. Needless to say, I took all of the PRN available to me and my meds, and went to sleep, worrying that when I woke, I'd regret cutting.
Mum had helped me put plasters on my leg but I knew it needed steri-strips (stick-on stitches) so, on Sunday morning, I went to minor injuries at A&E. The Doctor made me have an x-ray to ensure there was no glass in the cuts and then it was dressed.
Now, fellow 'service users' will understand when I say; I'm not a cutter... You see, for those who don't; people who self-harm, will often have a particular method or preferred way to do this. For one person, they might cut, daily. For me, it was always about overdosing. I did cut, but that wasn't my go-to self-harm. So, for me to need 11 steri-strips is the worst it gets for me.
I think my one regret is regarding the scarring. I had begun to feel confident about my legs and the biggest cut, which needed all of the steri-strips, is literally about half the length of my thigh! It's one of those things though where you have to judge how acceptable it is to moan about these sort of things when it was you who caused it... I also feel bad for cutting whilst Dolly was in the house, and I missed her so much when I slept at Mum's. I've been trying to make it up to her today!
I was given an urgent appointment with my new Consultant but for all the fuss I put up in wanting her advice on my meds, the appointment barely did me any favours.
