Sunday, 26 April 2015

The Shock of Success

Recently, things have been up and down. With my mood. The lows are still crippling but I'm coping. I think that, like most things, the more something occurs, the more you learn about it. Before Hospital, if something happened, I overdosed. Or self-harmed. And no one could stop me from doing it. No one could make me learn other ways to cope. And now they have - admittedly by sectioning me and leaving me with little choice - and it's worked! Every day I'm learning more about my Disorder. I now have the ability to 'sit with' my emotions. Whenever professionals have suggested this method, I've been extremely reluctant because I've assumed this would be extremely unsafe. I'd spent years doing whatever I could to avoid feeling all of the negative, overwhelming feelings that I experienced. I'd often rather have died that feel them. But the other night, my head had planned an overdose and it felt as though it was spiralling out of control; as though now there was a plan, it would be put into action. And I recognised that the best way to avoid this occurring, would be to sit there and think about it. So, I literally just sat on the floor in the corridor in my home and thought about overdosing; I thought about the consequences (physical and psychological) and the impact it would have on others and finally, the fact that I actually didn't want to do it at all. My brain had just instantly thought 'ooo I feel unhappy, let's do this!' And allowing myself the time to process my spiralling thoughts, enabled me to rein them in and get control of them. And do you know what? I did it! I stayed safe and the happiness returned.
I don't know about anyone else but I find that having mood swings as a symptom, means that professionals often use the line 'but it won't last; you'll feel better again.' And recently (in bad moments) I've found myself saying 'yes, and then the badness comes back.' It's a cup half full kind of thing really; it depends if you're a positive person. It also depends which way your mood is swinging as to which outlook you will have. Right now, I'm happy, and if I feel low again, then I'll deal. I'll stay safe. And then I'll be happy again and I'll make the most of it again.
Today, I had been in urinary retention for over 24 hours when I decided to still attend the event I'd been asked to blog and vlog for, (posts will be up in due course) as I'd made the commitment and I didn't want to let anyone down. I felt - I believed - that I had control of it. I thought that I could get through the event in the retention and that the subsequent pain was under control with the pain relief I had. I was wrong. And the largest effect it had on me was disappointment and annoyance. With myself. For not keeping it under control. For being wrong. For missing the exciting sessions I wanted to attend at the event. For letting people down. I talked it through with my Mum... I've spent so many years doubting my ability, feeling ashamed and as though I am a disappointment, I've had to work through these to learn that I'd disappointed no one, was capable of more than I believed and hadn't deserved, nor was to blame, for anything that'd been done to me. So naturally, as new experiences come along, I'm going to have those doubts again. But I'm trying. 
And to have arrived home to an e'mail from the guys at Youth Speak, inviting me to join the team as a Social Media Expert, more than makes up for the disappointment with myself today. I actually cried with happiness. Because, in a life where you doubt your abilities and capabilities, when someone else recognises them... It means the world.