Tuesday, 26 May 2015

"Shall we go for 800mg?"

So, it's come to my attention that it's been quite a while since my last personal post (http://imnotdisordered.blogspot.co.uk/2015/05/tw-you-were-different-person-then.html).
After all the drama in that post, I came to the decision that professional's advice to take time out to myself wasn't good advice. I've decided that so long as everything I have to do and have planned isn't stressing me out, then it's the right way to go about things. So I'm trying to get the balance now of doing lots of things that I enjoy doing as then they don't feel like chores or tasks and become stressful. The only thing on my 'to-do' list which wasn't enjoyable was my final unit on my distance learning course; so I got that out of the way over the Bank Holiday weekend, and have decided not to do any more courses whilst I organise my time between my blog, campaign for Fixers and work with Youth Speak.
Since everything that went on in the post I linked it at the beginning, I was put back onto the dose of my anti-psychotic that I'd recently been on and was told that I had to see my GP two weeks later. The appointment was today and the GP I was seeing was actually the one who was in that post (so you might wana read it to understand this part). She told me that after I'd left A&E she'd spoken with my old psychiatrist, who'd told her that I only self-harm when the voices are bad. She asked how they are at the moment and I tried to explain that they'd been gone for so long and so, now they're back they are quieter than they were on that day in A&E but in the grand scheme of things; they're loud. She said she was increasing my anti-psychotic to the maximum dose. And then we talked about my anxiety and she increased my beta-blocker to help with that so that I shouldn't need so much Lorazepam. 
I also told her about my upcoming CPA (Care Programme Approach) and how there'll be discussion over the recommendation that I'm automatically treat under the Mental Capacity Act when I present in A&E and she suggested that she attend. She'll be first GP in the six years all of this has been going on, to attend such a meeting! She said that it'd be helpful for her as she is my regular GP who I see the most often, and also that she does spend half of her time in A&E so she''d be better placed there too.
Things aren't easy at the moment, I guess that in a way; they never are but I did feel that for a time... It was good. And now it's hard again. I feel almost constantly anxious, have a daily battle with the voices to go against their commands and take my medication, and put so much effort into resisting the urges to self-harm. I have so much I want to do with my life, and so much that's already planned and is soooo exciting! So I wake up, I take my meds and I put my bio-oil on scars.
Every day.