Wednesday, 10 June 2015

A Few Things Worth Blogging

There's been a few things go on recently that are worth blogging about but not enough to deserve themselves a post each, so... Here they all! 

Firstly, I have now finished my studying at Bradford College. I began attending there whilst in hospital and enjoyed the Creative Writers Improving class before finding out about their distance learning prospectus. Since then, I've completed a number of courses and from all of them I've been able to draw on particular skills I've learnt and adapt them to my voluntary work. There was two courses left in the catalogue that I'd like to do but both would be out of personal interest so I've decided to put a pause on my education in order to focus on my blog and voluntary work with Youth Speak, Blind Veterans and my campaign with Fixers... I was going to write about this but my mood is so low that there'd be no passion in it and that wouldn't do the campaign justice so I'll blog it another time.
Speaking of my mood...
Yesterday morning was one of those when you wake up and just think 'today is going to be a bad day; I'm staying in bed...' But I got out of bed. BECAUSE I'M STUPID! Before I even left the house, I stubbed my toe on my bed, banged my funny bone on the dining table, jammed my finger in the door and broke a champagne glass which then sliced my hand into pieces trying to collect all the little shards. Then I wasn't happy with my outfit so I had to find another and I was dripping blood all over the place so I had to find a plaster and that made me late for my bus so I had to run out of the house. I get travel sickness but I took my pill for it but it didn't work! Luckily, I was on the top deck of the bus all by myself and I felt like I was having to swallow the sick down so I realised that I'd either have to get off the bus or just vomit. And yes, I was sick. On the bus. And yes, I know how disgusting and common that is but I'm only telling you so you can see how bad my day was going. I also used a newspaper to mop it up and then obviously moved seats. Paying in my Take A Break fee at the bank and picking up my replacement ipad went well except then I was at the train station far too early! 
Finally, towards the end of the meeting with Youth Speak in Durham, my hallucinations worsened. I saw worsened but they hadn't even been there so... Since I was put on the high dose, they've been gone again. But yes, the voices were talking over one another, as were some of the young people attending the meeting which meant I was getting very frustrated and angry. And then the rabbits (visual hallucinations) were all over the tables and thought of getting a taxi to durham train station, a fifteen minute train, a twenty minute walk and an hour-long bus resulted in me feeling unsafe. I could imagine myself finding sharps or buying paracetamol... When the staff saw me staring 'into space' (there were rabbits there for me though) they spoke with me and one agreed to drive me home but it was like... I could no longer just sit there listening to the noise, watching the rabbits put dirty paw prints on the table tops... I had to move! Anywhere! And I ran out. I onto an overpass over a dual motorway. I was being told to jump. I could see how easy it would be. But it wasn't. It wasn't easy because I don't want to die any more. In a way, it was easier when I did because it meant I didn't have to argue with the voices and disobey them which is physically draining and tiring. But I don't have a choice whilst I don't want to kill myself. And so, I called my Mum and the staff from the meeting found me and took me home so that I could take my medication and feel better. 
During my terrible day yesterday, there was a positive; I received an e'mail telling me that I have been nominated for a Mind Media Award in the bloggers category. I was over the moon. The past two years I've begged Mind to let me attend just to experience the event and one year, I begged readers to vote for me. And here it was! I finally got something I'd dreamt about and wanted for two years! I called my Mum and we squealed! When I finally put the news public I was more than disappointed with the response. I had two comments from people who basically, took away the sparkle from my moment. One of them has apologised and edited her comment and the other, just doesn't even realise what she's done! I think it got to me so much because I was already struggling and had a low mood. I just feel that, if a friend of mine got offered a massive opportunity then it's only natural to think 'wow! I'd love that' but there's no reason to say it out loud! All you need to do is say 'well done.' And a few people have made comments about this being the way things go when your blog does well and it's left me thinking if I can handle it escalating... If more and more good things come to me and my blog, if more and more people notice and get jealous, can I handle it. People think I'm confident but I'm not. And so, jealous comments genuinely make me question whether I deserve the opportunity.